Confidence is an odd thing. Some singles have an over-inflated sense of their
own attractiveness to the opposite sex but others, with all the ticks and
crosses in the right boxes, have very little or no confidence in
Young men in their 20’s and 30’s are a classic example of singles
that have much to offer but often lack a sense of self worth. Many are
handsome, nice looking, polite, financially responsible, and genuinely great
guys. They don’t tend to limit their dating opportunities, most are open
to different ethnic backgrounds and it is rare to find young men that only
want to meet pretty women. So on paper at least, their odds of meeting a
special girl to love and marry should be fairly high.
So what lets these young men down? Often, it’s a lack of confidence and
assertiveness, qualities which are considered highly attractive in men. Most
of these young men have grown up during the time of affirmative action and
empowerment of women. The only problem was; society forgot to confirm and
empower them too!
It’s a catch-22 situation. Confidence in men is usually extremely
enticing to women. However, having the love and encouragement of a woman is
often the very thing that makes a man confident. It’s a vicious circle.
In general terms, the more passive and less proactive a man is; the less
enticing he is to women; hence the less success he has in dating, which in
turn adds to his low self esteem.
So, what can singles lacking in confidence do?
Project the appearance of confidence! A confident external
appearance can help you stand tall and feel secure on the inside. Whether
it’s wearing a smart suit to an important interview, putting on your
footy jumper or swapping shoes for thongs, our attire not only helps us look
the part; it helps us feel the part.
Many people that appear confident and self assured struggle with feelings of
insecurity and doubt on the inside. But they do it anyway! Likewise, singles
that are quivering with nerves internally need to take steps to overcome their
fears by externally stepping out of their comfort zone. Unfortunately, fear
doesn’t usually go away by itself.
Attending, rather than avoiding social activities can help singles of both
genders learn to socialise with strangers. Practicing your social skills on
other singles, both men and women of all ages can be part of your dating
training. In other words; interacting with men or women that you are not
interested in, will help you become more confident and appealing to men or
women that you are interested in.
Many singles make the mistake of waiting for the fear and uncertainty to pass
before they take action. We can see from scripture that fear and insecurity
were part of everyday life in Biblical times. Did you know that Moses was
reluctant to be a leader1 and Gideon2, another Biblical hero, suffered with
feelings of inadequacy? Like many of us, both men focused on their weaknesses
rather than their strengths and their primary source of strength was
If you know Jesus as your Lord and Saviour and you struggle with feelings of
insecurity and find dating difficult, why not ask Him to help you? Tell Him
that you are feeling scared or intimidated and ask Him for courage. Talk to
God about your dating life. He won’t normally take your problems away
but He will help you through them and you won’t feel so alone. If you
want to know more about becoming a Christian, see page 11.
We all have strengths. We all have gifts. We all have the right to love and be
loved. None of us are perfect. ‘Perfect’ people are rarely
loveable. It’s is usually our humanness and our imperfections that draw
others to us; not our illusions of perfection.
If your biggest wish is to have the support of a loving husband or wife to
come home to each night but you struggle with lack of confidence, perhaps
it’s time to change that. But you must take risks, you must be prepared
to grow and you must be prepared for failures and rejection.
- 1 Exodus 4:10
- 2 Judges 6