“I’ll knock your block off, Charlie Brown!” Lucy cried as she chased Charlie Brown down the street. Charlie turned to reason with her, explaining that there were more mature ways to settle disputes. In frustration, Lucy “knocks his block off” and with a self satisfied look on her face, turns to Violet and says, “I had to hit him, he was beginning to make sense!”
One of the tendencies we must fight against when managing conflict is the urge to “knock the other person’s block off!” Rather than trying to win the argument, we should be aiming at listening to the other person’s point of view. How we listen to each other is an important skill that we can all learn, but it will take practice and a commitment from both people to genuinely try and understand each other better.
* Give the person your complete attention
There is nothing more frustrating than a person who pretends to listen to you but they are constantly stealing furtive glances at their watch or contemplating their toe nails. Simply put, this is downright rude! When someone is pouring out their soul to you, they deserve your total attention. And another thing: good communication does not take place in front of a T.V. set!
* Don’t interrupt
Let the other person finish. When you repeatedly cut another person off and they are unable to finish what they are saying, they will eventually close up and real communication is no longer possible. If you are unsure if they have finished, simply ask them.
* Repeat back
When you repeat back the other person’s words to them, you show that you have been listening. The goal here is not to just “parrot” back what they said – you are trying to demonstrate that you also understand what they are saying. I do this often when I am counselling people. Sometimes I will repeat their words back verbatim and add, “Is that what you are saying….have I heard you correctly?” Other times, I will re-phrase what the person has said and then seek their confirmation. What I am aiming for is to show them that I have genuinely listened to them. Your husband or wife deserves the same from you!
* Use eye contact
Look at each other when you are talking! Eye contact says that you are alert, interested, concerned ….and listening. A word of caution though….don’t bore holes into each other when using eye contact! Eye contact needs to be broken from time to time, otherwise you end up gazing at each other with stiff robotic stares!
* Send a love message.
This is so important. You may be fully engaged, allowing the person to finish, listening well and making good eye contact….but making no connection with them at all! It is all too easy to do all the right things but appear mechanical, cold and unfeeling. So when the other person is hurting, send them a love message. It may be as simple as saying, “I love you, we can work this through.” When your wife cries, lean over and squeeze her arm or give her a hug. Simple things like this say, “I’m here for you. I really do care about you and I’m on your side.”
There is an old saying that goes like this:
“God gave you one mouth and two ears,
So which do you think He wants you to use the most?”
A man called James had a similar thought in mind when he wrote:
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19)
It’s plain, simple, good advice! None of us are naturally good listeners – we all like to express our point of view – but with practice and a commitment to bring out the best in each other, we can all become better listeners. (Instead of knocking each other’s blocks off!)