The wife of an internationally renowned speaker was asked if she had ever thought of divorcing her husband. “Divorce?” she replied, “No!” “Murder ... often!” We laugh because we know that the marriage of two people will have many moments of conflict and friction. But if the conflict is not properly resolved, bitterness and un-forgiveness will destroy the marriage.
Humour can be a great de-fuser of tension when things become heated. No so long ago I woke up in what could be described as a “niggly” mood. I wasn’t angry or upset with anyone or anything, but little things were annoying me. I was on the kids backs about getting ready for school and if I was asked a question, my response was fairly abrupt. My wife suggested that perhaps I had got out of the wrong side of bed that morning to which I snapped, “I did not!” Karen had to leave for our office before me that day, so when I went to our room to find my keys a little later I found a note pinned to my side of the bed. It simply read, “See you down there, you big ‘boof head’!” All I could do was laugh! I am not suggesting that in the midst of conflict that one of you should tell a joke or start laughing – that could well lead to more conflict. However, I am suggesting that the ability to laugh at yourself, when calling a truce, can be of enormous benefit in bringing healing to the relationship. Most of the things that we argue about are trivial and not worth the energy that is expended. The couple that recognises this and can laugh together at them is both blessed and wise.
Forgiveness, of course, is a more difficult proposition. Forgiveness is much more than a quick “I’m sorry, I forgive you” response. I well remember a person who admitted to me that they had been talking behind my back for three years, so when I expressed my disappointment at his wrong behaviour his reply was, “Oh – sorry about that!” He quickly moved on to another topic, thus killing off any opportunity of properly reconciling the relationship.
You see, forgiveness is a costly business. It requires that at least one of you admits that you were wrong. But you must not fall into the trap of thinking that your admission of wrong heals the situation. With your commitment to saying sorry comes also a commitment to changing your behaviour. If you say sorry and then do the same thing over and over again to the person you have wronged, you are not sorry at all. You are simply mouthing words and your actions have the effect of driving a knife into the other person’s soul.
And what if you are the wounded party? I believe that when you are called upon to forgive, you should forgive. Studies have shown that hanging on to bitterness will have serious, detrimental effects upon your own spiritual, physical and mental well-being. It will also kill off your relationship with the other person.
But I also believe that it is right and proper to look for evidence of changed behaviour in the person you have forgiven. I often say to people, “Believe the actions, not the words!” This doesn’t mean that you are setting conditions for forgiveness. Forgiveness that says, “I will only forgive you if...” is not forgiveness. We must forgive generously from our hearts, as Jesus said.* But forgiveness does look for the evidence of change in the other person’s life. After all, when God forgives us, He also expects that we will change our behaviour. If we don’t, then we are abusing His forgiveness. It’s the same in marriage. A husband or wife who says “I’m sorry” but does not change their behaviour is only abusing their partner’s forgiveness.
At the end of the American Civil War, one of President Lincoln’s aides said to him, “You have an enemy; you must slay him!” Lincoln’s response was magnificent: “If I forgive my enemy, have I not slain him?”
Hopefully you and your partner are not each other’s enemy! However, a commitment to changed behaviour and forgiveness from the heart will bring healing to the most damaged of relationships. Oh, and a little humour will also help!

* Matthew 6:14 - For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you...